[Open on a House’s face. His eyes are closed. The picture is not quite in color, but it’s not black and white either. Radiohead’s “No Surprises” plays.]
[House opens his eyes. He’s lying on a twin bed on the left side of a cell-like room at Mayfield. He’s wearing a gray t-shirt. There is a stainless steel basin on the tiled floor near his head. On the opposite wall there is a single window. Next to it a metal sink is bolted into the wall. Another stainless basin is on the floor below the sink.]
[Quick cuts:]
House: [shouting through the door] Help! [He bangs on the door a few times.] Help me!
♪♫ No alarms and no surprises,
[Cut to House opening his eyes. The color has returned to normal. Everything is quiet. He isn’t restrained any longer. He touches his thigh briefly then sits up. He limps to the window, holding his leg for support.]
[Cut to a suitcase dropping on the bed. House packs his clothes and zips the valise.]
[Cut to House walking down the hall with his cane in his right hand and his suitcase in his left. He switches the case to his right so he can swipe a knit cap off a patient in a wheelchair.]
[Cut to House, wearing the cap, at the nurses’ station.]
House: Dry heaves are gone, so am I.
Valdez: I’ll check with the doctor.
House: No, no, no, no. I’m here voluntarily. Just got to check with me.
Valdez: I’m sorry. Dr. Nolan left specific instructions.
[Cut to Dr. Darryl Nolan’s office. He’s talking to Dr. Beasley.]
Nolan: She’s not sick. She’s scared. So tell her to tell –
House: [from the doorway] Wow. [They both look up.] And he’s black. I thought you’d be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue.
[Nolan sits quietly for a moment then he smiles and nods at Beasley. She gets up and leaves.]
House: Can’t keep me.
Nolan: Dr. House, you look a lot better.
House: I am a lot better. No painkillers. No hallucinations. Leg hurts, but it’s manageable. Great job. Gonna miss you. Want to start missing you as soon as possible.
Nolan: Well, legally, you’re free to go whenever you want, but I suggest you stay.
House: I’ll take it under advisement.
Nolan: If you thought the hallucinations were from your Vicodin problem, why didn’t you just check yourself into a rehab facility?
House: I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy.
Nolan: But you had been abusing Vicodin for years. Never had delusions. Never had trouble sleeping. Never had any problems other than narcissism and antisocial behavior, until two colleagues died. Your father died. Your issues run deeper than Vicodin.
House: Well, that’s not gonna cheer me up, is it?
Nolan: You need to be transferred to our long-term ward, started on medication, talk therapy –
House: Yeah, I get it. Uh, just one thing I’m getting hung up on. I can leave whenever I want. How ‘bout I start with that? [He heads for the door.]
Nolan: You can’t go back to practicing medicine.
House: [turning slowly] I don’t want to practice medicine. I’ve decided I want to be an astronaut.
Nolan: Well, if you want your state astronaut’s license, you’re gonna need my recommendation.
House: Is that a popular new treatment – blackmail?
Nolan: You need to get better.
[Cut to an orderly unlocking a door for House.]
Orderly: Welcome to Ward Six.
[He leaves. House looks around. Hal and Richter are playing ping-pong without a net or paddles. Susan and Diane are sitting at a table. A staff member is standing next to them. Various other patients mill around. They all turn to look at him.]
[Cut to the office area. House sits in front of Beasley’s desk.]
House: So, brass tacks… What do I have to do, and how long do I have to be here?
Beasley: Depends on you. Process is pretty basic. If you follow the schedule, agree to take meds, participate in group and individual therapy, we can work on goals –
House: I set a goal.
Beasley: Excellent. What is it?
House: My goal is to get your boss to write the letter that I want him to write. Now let’s talk process. I can smile through gritted teeth and play nice, but there are serious risks of violence involved in that choice so I’m going with turning this ward upside down, making you and your boss’ job and life so unmanageable that he’ll write whatever he has to write to get rid of me.
[Nurse Safer hand Beasley a blue file.]
Safer: He’s all set.
Beasley: Thanks.
[House smiles at her, slightly ferociously. She smiles back.]
[Cut to a room with two beds and a double nightstand between them. The window is barred. House enters and looks around. He pokes the bed on the right with his cane and drops his suitcase on it. As he starts unpacking, he hears a voice in the hallway.]
Alvie: Ow. I’ve never been in the end unit before. [getting closer] Yo, I don’t need an escort. Get off me. [He enters and drops his duffle on the other bed. He’s a human perpetual motion machine.] Who are you? You believe these guys? Lecturing me on manic depression, like I couldn’t write a book or two. I stop taking my meds because I want to stop taking my meds, because nothing is wrong with me. No reason to keep dragging me back here. When I’m on them, everything slows down. That’s when the problem is. Hey, nice to see you. My roommate last time couldn’t stand me.
House: [who has continued unpacking, silently] Really?
Alvie: I’m Juan Alvarez. J.A.’s my stage name, but Alvie’s what everybody around here calls me, like the Woody Allen character in, uh, Annie Hall, but the Puerto Rican version and not as neurotic. So what do I call you?
House: Oh, you’re actually waiting for an answer this time. You can call me House.
Alvie: Ow! [sings and plays air guitar] He’s a brick, wah wah wah wah, House. Buh buh dum dum.
[Cut to House walking quickly down the hall.]
Alvie: [behind him] Hey, wait up. I’ve already got the whole place wired so I’ll give you the rundown. [They enter the dayroom.] Yo, everybody! This is my new roommate, House, y’all. [to House] Main thing you gotta know –
House: [to Annie who is standing and staring into the office area] Is this the line?
Alvie: [to Annie] Hey, Gabby, meet my new roommate, House. You can call him “Heezy.”
House: No, you can’t.
Alvie: Don’t worry. She won’t call you anything. She hasn’t talked in, like, ten years or something. Good you came here. You need to know the lay of the land.
House: [rapping with his cane on the glass window of the office] I need to request a new room. [He starts walking down the perimeter of the office, looking for someone. Alvie follows.]
Alvie: Ha. Ha. You’re funny. You’re also gonna come here to get your meds.
House: I’m not on any meds.
Alvie: You either? Good for you. Tell me my mind works too fast. Probably tell Usain Bold he runs too fast.
House: Excuse me. I know you’re busy ignoring me, but my minibar is empty.
Alvie: You think Bolt could do the long jump? That sport needs to evolve. Had the same world record for, like, 20 years. I think if one guy launched himself headfirst and right before he hits the ground does a front flip instead, get three extra feet out of that, easy.
House: Go be that man.
[Alvie laughs. House walks away, Alvie follows him. They both turn around as Hal falls on the floor and cries out.]
Hal: Ahhhhh! Ow, my head. Gahhh. My head.
Safer: [coming over to him] You’re not getting any Haldol. Sorry.
Alvie: That’s Hal. His real name is Connor, but we call him Hal because he –
House: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. [He goes to the piano.]
Alvie: We can’t play that. They keep it locked up. I wish we could, but at the same time, you can imagine how annoying that could be. Crazy people playing on it all the time. We’d never get any peace. Come on. I want to introduce you to everybody.
[Beasley and Dr. Medina are peering at House through the blinds on a door in the office.]
Medina: Do you think he’s serious? He’s a doctor. He knows that acting out will only reinforce our diagnosis.
Nolan: [behind them] Or it’ll work.
[Medina and Beasley turn away from spying to look at Nolan.]
Medina: You actually think this is something we should be concerned about?
Nolan: A patient makes a threat, you should always be concerned.
[Cut to group therapy. House is slumped in a chair, glaring. On his left is Alvie. Next to Alvie is Diane, a heavy woman whose eyeglasses are held together with tape. Next to Diane is Hal. He is a tall, thin white man in his late 30s. Stomp is on Hal’s left. He’s around 50. He doesn’t talk and his hands are bandaged. Beasley sits between Stomp and Richter, a short guy with curly hair. Jay-Bird, a tall, slender black man in his late 30s and Susan, a toothpick thin, nervous-looking woman round out the circle.]
Beasley: There are two new additions to our ward. You all know Alvie.
Alvie: [jumping up] Thank you, thank you. Hold your applause. It’s great to be back here in Mayfield. Not just for the food. Not just for the ladies – [he looks around] Well, okay, maybe just for the ladies. [He sits down.]
Beasley: And you should also welcome Greg to the floor.
House: Don’t worry about the name. I’m just passing through. Don’t want to break any hearts.
Jay-Bird: Can we go outside now?
Beasley: Not now, Jay.
House: So he’s claustrophobic, right? [to Jay] You’re claustrophobic? [to Beasley] Can I get a pen to write this stuff down?
[Stomp gets up and leaves the circle. He has one bandaged hand at his face and the other clutched to his chest. He seems agitated.]
Richter: Where are you going? [to Beasley] Where’s he going
Beasley: It’s okay.
House: [pointing at Richter] Paranoid. Check.
Hal: Dr. Beasley. I am having an issue with the food.
Beasley: What’s the problem?
Hal: I swear I’m eating less and less, and I just keep getting bigger and bigger.
House: A crayon? Anybody?
Beasley: We’ll talk about it another time. I understand you all had art therapy yesterday.
Susan: Maybe we can hang some of the new pieces on the wall.
House: Cut your wrists, huh?
Beasley: Greg, there are certain topics –
House: [feigning shock] Oh, I’m sorry. Is suicide taboo? Gosh, if I’ve broken a rule on my first day, I will kill myself.
Beasley: Group’s over. [Richter and Jay-Bird leave immediately.]
House: That flew by.
Beasley: You realize you’re not the first uncooperative patient on this floor?
House: Really? Is there a club?
Beasley: Yes. [standing and pointing] Come with me to the clubhouse.
[Cut to the orderly unlocking the door to room 232, a padded cell. House hands him his cane as he passes.]
Orderly: That didn’t take long.
House: I’m that good.
[The orderly locks the door behind him. Through the window in the door, House can be seen sitting on the end of the bed.]
[Cut to the yard. Some of the patients are playing basketball. Beasley watches from a bench.]
Alvie: C’mon, c’mon, c’mon. [He catches the ball as it rebounds off the backboard.]
Beasley: Come on, Alvie! Let’s see some action.
Alvie: [shooting past Jay-Bird] Oh! You got nothing!
[Jay-Bird catches the ball as House comes out and goes to sit with Beasley.]
Richter: Me! Me! Me!
Beasley: Pass, pass, pass! Good. [As Richter shoots.] Come on, guys! [to House] Ready to play nice?
House: Would you believe me if I said “yes”?
Beasley: No.
House: Then, yes.
Beasley: You do know I’m trying to help you.
House: [nods] I also know you’re trying to be sweet, caring and effective. You’re just not.
Beasley: You want out. [House looks at her.] Just talk. Be honest. Try to work with people. Try to deal with people.
House: [nods slightly] Okay.
[He gets up, holding his leg as Little Cabin Song by Billy Moon, Sharkey & Zooks starts to play.]
Alvie: House, House! He’s on my team!
House: Shut up. Nobody likes you.
[Alvie visibly wilts as House turns to Jay-Bird who has the ball.]
Jay-Bird: Hey.
House: Am I crowding you?
Jay-Bird: What?
House: Can’t see the sun?
Jay-Bird: [backing up and sinking lower with each step] Huh?
House: Oh, no! Everything is closing in.
Jay-Bird: [seated on the ground, gives House the ball] Okay.
House: [to Beasley] He’s the claustrophobic one, right? ‘Cause I’m doing this from memory. [He starts walking toward the basket.]
Richter: You have to dribble.
House: Why? The CIA satellites aren’t watching me. They’re watching you, ‘cause you’re wearing green. [As Richter tears off his sweater and throws it on the ground, House turns to Beasley] That one was just too easy. [Turning to Hal] Seriously, anorexia? What, are you supposed to be a girl? And, in answer to your implicit question, yes, those pants do make you look fat. [Hal backs away quickly. House looks around and sees Susan standing under the basket.] How upset were you when you woke up in the ER and you were still alive and a failure? [She turns and walks away. House looks at Beasley, bounces the ball a couple of times and makes an easy lay-up.]
Alvie: Whoo-hoo. Two-nothing. Good, guys!
[Alvie goes to high five House who ignores him. He heads for Beasley who is standing. Richter is seated, curled up on the bench behind her.]
House: You’re right. It is rewarding when you reach out.
[He picks up his cane and heads for the stairs which are through a big metal fence door.]
Beasley: You can’t go up there. It’s yard time now.
House: Put it on my tab.
[He starts up as Beasley goes to comfort Richter. As he climbs, he hears Schumann’s Kinderszenen Op. 15 on the piano. He enters the day room. Lydia, a visitor, is playing the piano. Annie sits on a bench nearby.]
House: I think you’ll find music therapy’s more effective if the patients are inside to hear it. [She smiles and continues playing.] Where’d you get the key?
Lydia: [speaking with a German accent] They gave it to me.
House: [pointing to Annie] So, if she ever talks, are we gonna get a German accent?
Lydia: [laughing] No. She’s, um, my husband’s sister.
House: So let him come play the piano.
Lydia: He doesn’t know how to play.
House: Nice. You’re a little heavy on the right foot, though. [He sits next to Annie.]
Lydia: See her head? It bobs to the music. It’s the only real reaction I’m getting from her. [House takes Annie’s wrist.] It feels like… we’re talking.
House: You’re not talking. [She stops playing and looks at him.] Her head is bobbing to her pulse.
Lydia: Are you a new doctor on the ward?
House: Technically, yes.
[The door to the outside opens. Two orderlies come in, followed by Beasley. House stands and tosses his cane to the first orderly who catches it.]
House: Can I lead this time?
Orderly: Come on.
House: [to Lydia, over his shoulder as they lead him off] Leave the lid unlocked when you’re done.
[Iron & Wine’s Love Vigilante plays as House lies stretched out in the isolation room. He spends most of the time with his hands clasped behind his head like a pillow but, at one point he slides his right hand down to rub his leg. He raises his head slightly when Beasley enters, carrying his cane.]
House: Can you close the door? You’re letting all the cool air out.
Beasley: If you keep up this scorched-earth policy, you’re gonna end up living in this room. Are you ready to try another strategy, or do you want me to leave you in here?
[She holds out his cane. He stares for a moment then reaches for it.]
[Cut to the day room. Hal and Alvie are playing ping pong, using their hands instead of paddles. Diane is watching them. Susan is at a table playing solitaire. Stomp and Jay-Bird are by the piano. Hal reaches for a shot and falls on the ping pong table with a loud grunt. The ball bounces away.]
Alvie: Twenty-one. Two one. That’s game. Hey, House is back.
Diane: I’ll get the ball.
Alvie: [to House] Come on. I need some meat. I got no one left to play.
Diane: I’ll play you.
Alvie: Girl! Come on, House. You can serve. [He rolls the ball across the table toward House, who picks it up.]
House: I’ve had some time to think about the approach I’ve been taking. [He looks back at Beasley.] I’m new, unhappy here, and I’ve been taking it out on you guys… unfairly. It was… misdirected anger. [He bounces the ping pong ball on the table once.] ‘Cause when you think about it, the real jerks here are the doctors.
Beasley: House.
House: See how they give you a ping pong table, but no paddles. No net. It’s like they’re mocking you.
Alvie: Preach!
House: The game is called table tennis, not table volleyball.
Beasley: [coming over] Greg, you know where this is gonna end.
House: Who ever saw a tennis court without a net?
Richter: Little run-down park across from my apartment growing up. Three courts, no nets. No one ever used it.
House: No one’s gonna try to hang themselves with a ping pong net.
Hal: Of course not.
Jay-Bird: That’s ridiculous.
Alvie: It ain’t right, doc. You treat us like little kids.
House: No, little kids are allowed to play ping pong and they can play the piano.
Richter: Yeah, worse than little kids.
Beasley: All right, why don’t we just go and sit down and discuss it?
Hal: No, no, no, no. I want to discuss it right here.
[The patients start shouting and banging on things.]
Beasley: Guys. [They continue.] Guys. [House is bopping to the rhythm of their noise, silently egging them on.] Guys!
Alvie: We want our paddles. We want our paddles. We want –
[Everyone stops. House turns around. Nolan has entered.]
Nolan: House is right. [He holds up two paddles.] I think everyone here can handle these. [He tosses one to Alvie and turns to leave.]
House: Seriously? Is that your strategy? Give everybody what they want except me?
Nolan: You’re a natural leader. You could do something useful down here, for them, definitely for you. Or we could… keep fighting. If you think you can break me, if you think I’m not every bit as stubborn as you.
[He leaves. House turns back, thinking.]
[Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room at night. House is lying in bed, still thinking.]
Alvie: [rapping] Came to fight the man and he had the master plan, but it started to unravel, Nolan smashed him with his gavel like BLAH.
House: Shut up.
Alvie: So you gonna keep trying to make them miserable?
House: No
Alvie: New plan?
House: Yep.
Alvie: What is it?
House: I don’t know yet.
Alvie: [rapping in a whisper] His mind is burning, the wheels are turning, the butter is churning. You think Nolan can keep House from strolling? –
House: You know, it’s easier to come up with a new plan in silence.
Alvie: [snaps his fingers] Right. Cool. [He lays quietly for close to ten seconds.] Can I hum?
[House grabs something from the bedside table and throws it at Alvie’s head.]
[Cut to the day room. Group is in session.]
Beasley: I’d like you all to welcome another addition to our ward. Steve.
Freedom Master: Uh Freedom Master. Steve Elkerton is just a cover. It’s like Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker.
Alvie: Coooool. We got more Jesuses than superheroes.
Freedom Master: Well, I try to blend in in the outside world, but I figure in here, everybody gets it.
Alvie: [to House in a stage whisper] Hey… We’re living in the Ward of Justice. [He mimes a mask with his fingers.]
Beasley: Alvie. [to Freedom Master] Can you explain a little more about what you think everybody gets?
Freedom Master: There’s good and evil in the world. And some people are – are special, and they’re chosen to help keep evil forces at bay.
Susan: You don’t think you can stop bullets, do you?
Freedom Master: I move out of their way.
Richter: Can you read minds?
[House makes an exasperated face.]
Freedom Master: No.
[House gets up and heads for the windows.]
Beasley: Group time, Greg.
Freedom Master: Why isn’t she talking? [He points at Annie.] She needs help. She needs somebody to save her.
Beasley: That’s what we’re all trying to do. Let’s take five minutes. Everybody get to know Steve.
[She gets up and heads toward House.]
Freedom Master: I can fly. [Alvie laughs.]
Beasley: [to House] I know you’re scheming. Working on your next elaborate plan to get out of here. Why don’t you put the plan on hold for a few days? See what happens. Just let me do my job. If you prefer private to group, we can do that, maybe try some SSRIs. [House is busy staring at Nolan and an attractive woman in the parking lot.] If you think nothing’s working, you can always go back to your schemes.
House: God, if only you’d said that two minutes ago, before I came up with my new scheme. Now I’m committed. [He takes a step past her then leans back with a huge smile on his face.] Ha! Get it!
[She watches, smiling, as he leaves.]
[Cut to the yard. Alvie is playing basketball.]
Alvie: Huh. Shaq up in my area. I’m a better baller and a better rapper. [He shoots.] What? And I’m good at basketball too.
House: [approaches] Do you have third floor privileges?
Alvie: [nodding] Ever since I shared in group about my uncle fondling me.
House: Is that true?
Alvie: Yeah. And now I can use the third-floor vending machines. [He continues to shoot, miss and grab the rebounds during the conversation.] You eat sour cream and onion chips? I mean the whole point is the dipping. Sure, we save time by not adding the mix and sour cream, but you’re missing out on the –
House: I need you to break into Nolan’s office.
Alvie: [instantly into it] Commando style.
House: I want you to focus.
Alvie: You want me to mess him up?
House: Go into Nolan’s office. Look at his calendar. I need the name of the woman he met with at 11 today.
Alvie: No problem. And I’ll get you some old-school chips. If they have them, I’ll get you some dip. But I’ve never seen dip in the vending machine.
House: Yes, get me chips and dip. What else?
Alvie: I get it, I get it. Plan “B.” “B” is for blackmail. I got you covered. [hands House the basketball and whispers] Commando style.
[Alvie leaves, doing elaborate commando style jumping, zigzag up the stairs.]
[Cut to the day room. House sits on the piano bench, twirling his cane. He leans back, trying to look casual, and realizes the piano is unlocked. He thinks then smiles slightly when he realizes Lydia left it unlocked as he asked. He reaches back and plunks out the first notes of Beethoven’s Fifth. In the office, Safer holds out the piano key to the orderly. House sees this, closes the piano lid and goes to sit next to Annie. The orderly comes out and locks the piano.]
[The door opens. Alvie can be heard before he can be seen being carried into the ward by two orderlies. He is wiggling and yelling.]
Alvie: Let me go! I just wanted a little snack, all right? Yo, I didn’t know they machine was moved! I want some Ritz Bits. Yo, I might be pregnant! I get these cravings!
[House smiles as they carry Alvie off.]
[Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room. House sits on his bed, whistling slightly and toying with his cane. Alvie comes in.]
House: You get the name?
Alvie: Nolan’s schedule book just has a big “X” marking out the whole middle of the day.
House: Well, then we can assume the girl he’s with is called “Nooner.”
Alvie: [chuckling] Nooner, Nooner, Nolan’s gonna spoon her.
House: He’s gonna fork her.
Alvie: And then he’s gonna knife her. [House looks at him.] I didn’t get a chance to check the phone or anything else.
House: That’s okay. I got her license plate. I call my friend. He gets the name. I get the letter that gets me out of here.
Alvie: You got phone privileges?
House: I’m on level minus four. I’m still writing with a crayon. You?
Alvie: You got to be at level five. That’s like the top of the Space Needle. Hal’s the only one that’s up that high.
House: Hal’s at level five?
Alvie: They give him a point every time he clears his plate. I’ve been eating his potatoes.
House: Will he sell you some minutes?
Alvie: No. I pay two cigarettes for the potatoes. Phone’s worth a lot more.
House: [thinks] Can you cheek a pill?
Alvie: No.
House: That’s too bad for you.
[Cut to montage of the day room. Poison Pushy by Stanton Moore plays. Diane is working on a jigsaw puzzle. Stomp and Richter are playing checkers. House and Alvie sit on a couch. Alvie’s more jittery than usual, if that’s possible. They don’t look at each other while they quietly talk.]
House: You sure you’re good with this?
Alvie: Yeah, yeah. Gotta be done.
House: So how do we start?
Alvie: I think we just start. Make it good. Make it real. [Long pause] Just do it already. [House sets his mouth then reaches across his body to pop Alvie in the face with a right jab.] Aah!
[Everyone looks up as House stands. He grabs Alvie by the shirt, hauls him off the couch and throws him on the floor. The TV in the room shows Stewie beating Brian in an episode of Family Guy. House, straddling Alvie, is punching him over and over.]
Safer: Code Gray!
Beasley: [getting up from her desk where she’s been talking to Jay-Bird] Give me five milligrams of Haldol!
[Back in the day room, House continues to punch Alvie.]
Alvie: Aah! [several more punches] Help! Get him off me!
[Two orderlies grab House by the upper arms and drag him off Alvie. As he struggles, one of them pries open his mouth and shoves a couple of pills inside.]
[Cut to the orderlies dumping an unconscious House on his bed. They leave. Moments later, Alvie sneaks into the room. He has several livid bruises on his face. He goes to House’s bed and whispers.]
Alvie: Dude, that was awesome.
[House opens one eye. He sits up and opens his mouth. The pills are on his tongue. He spits them into his hand.]
House: Think Hal will mind if they’re wet?
[Alvie laughs and applies a cold pack to his bruises.]
[Cut to a darkened hall at night. House is making a call on one of the pay phones. Wilson answers.]
Wilson: House?
House: No. It’s your other friend at the asylum.
Wilson: How’s it going?
House: Hallucinations are gone, so is the Vicodin.
Wilson: [closing his laptop and putting it on the table] How’s the leg? How’s the pain?
House: They got me on some non-narcotic. I’m dealing. I need you to run a license plate.
Wilson: Was there a hit-and-run on your floor? House, just do what you’re supposed to do. Listen to the doctors and I’ll be able to visit soon.
House: Track down the owner of this car, and I’ll be able to visit you in your office tomorrow. My doctor is too smart, too old and too well-dressed to only be running one ward. He screwed up something in his life and I think he’s doing it again. I need her name so I can blackmail the blackmailer.
Wilson: House. House. He called me.
House: What did he want to know?
Wilson: He wanted to know about you. He wanted to warn me that you’d be calling for something. And he told me if I wanted to help you get better, I had to let him do his job.
House: Well, now I’m calling you to tell you that if he calls you –
Wilson: House, I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you.
House: You can.
[Wilson hangs up the phone and stands, holding it. House, on his end, takes the phone away from his ear.]
[Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room. Alvie sits up as House comes back in.]
House: It turns out… you’re my only friend.
Alvie: House ain’t a newbie, now he living on this floor. [He’s holding a slipper like a microphone. He holds it out toward House.]
House: And I hate you. I’m gonna cooperate.
Alvie: That’s not much of a plan. That’s actually their plan.
House: No, I’m pretty sure their plan is for me to actually swallow the pills, to actually cooperate.
[Alvie laughs. House smiles.]
[Cut to the day room. Montage as James Hunter’s No Smoke Without Fire plays. A whiteboard has each patient’s name, their intake date – House’s was 05/25 – primary physician, etc. In the “privilege #” column, House has a “0.”]
[Group is in session. House is talking, a lot. The “0” on the white board gets replaced with a “1.”]
[Cut to House on the fenced-in outside stairwell. He lights a cigarette and puts the matches back on a high crossbeam. He blows the smoke up at a camera. Cut to House playing basketball. He smiles as he throws the ball to Richter. House’s privilege number goes to “2.”]
[House stands in the office doorway. Beasley fills out some paperwork then bows as she hands House an ID on a chain. Cut to House outside. He’s lying on a bench, looking up at the sky. Safer changes House’s privileges to “3.”]
Alvie: I’m so proud of my little roomie. [All the guys except Freedom Master are at a table playing cards. Alvie reaches across to pinch House’s cheek.] I only taught him everything he knows. House brushes his hand away as Stomp giggles slightly.]
House: One, two, three. [They all put a card on their foreheads, facing out. House has the 8 of diamonds, Jay-Bird the 10 of clubs.] Okay, Stomp. Start the bidding. Highest card wins. [Stomp, who has the king of hearts, gets up and leaves.] That’s probably a fold. Richter.
Richter: [He has a red face card] Uh, two cigarettes.
House: He’s not confident, Alvie. Crush him, in the form of a rhyme if you want.
Alvie: [with the 8 of spades] No regrets, raise ten cigarettes.
House: Oh. That’s a lot of nerve for someone with a two on their head.
Alvie: You’re messing with me.
Hal: [two of hearts] You can’t raise ten. I only have five.
Alvie: Throw in your phone card.
Hal: I’m not gonna throw in my phone card.
Diane: [approaching] Can I play?
House: [reaching for her] Come here.
Diane: Why?
House: I want to see if you’ve got what it takes. Give me your best poker face. [She leans down and stares at him. He stares back. He sees his card reflected in her glasses.] Too rich for my blood. [to Diane] You can take my seat.
Safer: Med time!
[Everyone but Alvie gets up. House is first in line.]
Safer: How are you feeling today?
House: Better than yesterday, not as good as tomorrow. [He takes the pills and water. As he passes Alvie, he sticks out his tongue. There are two pills on it. Alvie smiles and touches his nose.]
[Cut to shots of Mayfield’s exterior as Schubert’s Impromptu #3 in B flat is heard on the piano. In the day room, House approaches Lydia, who is playing.]
House: I’ve been humming to her. She sways. It might be significant. [Lydia continues playing.] Are you ignoring me or are you just letting my charm wash over you.
Lydia: [smiling as House sits next to Annie] Kind of tough to play and chat. A couple of weeks ago you told me playing to her was a complete waste of time.
House: You’re right. Your playing does get worse when you talk. [She gives him a “very funny” look.] I assume she loved music.
Lydia: She played for the Philadelphia Philharmonic – cello.
House: Well, if she responded to the piano, she might respond even better to the cello.
Lydia: [stopping playing] I play a little. Hmm. Maybe I’ll bring one in on Tuesday. Thank you. [He nods acknowledgement.]
[Cut to the office. House plays with a rubber band while he sits at Medina’s desk.]
House: Different desk. Different doctor.
Medina: You’ve been on meds for a while now. I’ll be checking in with you periodically to see if we need to adjust your dose. Any dry mouth, trouble sleeping?
House: Nope. Can I go now? There’s a manic out there with a fresh carton of cigarettes, and he’s a terrible bluffer.
Medina: [chuckling] It’s nice to see that you and Alvie are friends again. Tell me about your fight.
House: He hit me. I hit him back. Repeat until pulpy.
Medina: Alvie told me you instigated the thing.
House: Well, that tends to be the way fights work – different interpretations of the same circumstances.
Medina: Very understanding attitude.
House: There’s that tone again.
Medina: You’re smart.
House: How come every time you compliment me, it sounds like an accusation?
Medina: You’re not having any side effects from your meds, which is unusual.
House: It’s not that unusual.
Medina: The story about the fight isn’t adding up.
House: Why don’t you stop pretending that you haven’t reached a conclusion? You don’t trust me. Actually, it’s more fundamental than that. You don’t like me.
Medina: I didn’t say that.
House: You think I’m not taking my meds.
Medina: Are you?
House: Yes. So what do you want me to do? Want me to take a urine test? Will that earn your trust?
Medina: Actually, yeah.
[Medina gets up. House looks worried.]
[Cut to the bathroom. Medina leads the way in. He’s holding a specimen cup that he hands to House.]
Medina: Have at it.
House: A little dignity, please.
Medina: You know the rules. I have to watch.
House: Yeah, but you don’t have to have courtside seats. Can I at least use a stall?
[Cut to House sidling into one of the stalls. He locks the door and hangs up his cane. He turns toward the toilet and gives Hal the specimen cup. Hal is crouched on the toilet. He stands and unzips. Outside, Medina looks under the stall and sees only House’s feet. In the stall Hal signals for House to look away. House takes a deep breath, looks at the ceiling and begins to sing.]
House: For he himself has said it, and it’s greatly to his credit, that he is an Englishman. He i-i-i-i-is an Englishman.
[Hal gives House the filled and capped specimen cup. House flushes, retrieves his cane and slips out of the stall. He hands the specimen to Medina.]
House: Get it while it’s hot.
[Cut to the day room. House’s privilege number is changed to 4. Medina’s in the office. He closes a book and comes into the room. The boys are all playing cards again.]
Medina: [to House] I’m sorry I doubted you.
[House nods. As Medina turns away, House and Alvie bump fists.]
Medina: Freedom Master, think you could help me out?
Freedom Master: [standing] You need help? Of – of course. That’s –
Medina: Great. Could you move the piano for me? [House pauses while reaching for a card and looks at them over his shoulder.] It’s 500 pounds. That’s not too much, is it?
Freedom Master: Well, is there something trapped underneath or…?
Medina: No. I just want to move it away from the window.
Freedom Master: I’m sorry. My powers aren’t for frivolous –
Medina: Just one quick lift.
House: Why are you doing that?
Alvie: [quietly] House, it’s none of your business.
House: [putting down his cards and turning] I’m just curious. As a doctor, What are you doing?
Medina: Either he is Freedom Master, and he shouldn’t be here, or else he’s suffering from a serious and dangerous delusion that he needs to deal with.
House: [taking his cane and standing] So… legit medical reasons. You’re not just trying to break the guy because he’s a little different.
Medina: He’s not different. He’s delusional. [to Freedom Master] Can you help me out?
Freedom Master: [looking at Annie] What is she looking at?
Medina: You’re not a superhero, Steven. You’re just a regular person.
Freedom Master: I can save her.
Medina: That’s okay. We’re… we’re all just regular people. It’s what we do.
Freedom Master: They stole her voice box. [He heads for the office.] They have it in there. That’s what she’s staring at. That’s what she’s staring at. She’s always staring –
Medina: Your wife is dead.
[Everyone watches.]
Freedom Master: Good can defeat evil.
Medina: Not every time. Evil people killed a lot of good people that day. You couldn’t save her. No one could save her.
Freedom Master: It’s in there. Her voice is in there. Her voice is in there.
[He starts rattling the doorknob to the office, trying to get in.]
Medina: Code gray.
[He turns away as two orderlies grab Freedom Master. He tries harder to open the door.]
Freedom Master: Her voice is in there. [as they drag him off, he continues to shout] Her voice is in there! Her voice is in there. No! No!
[House stares at Medina.
[Cut to Alvie coming over to House.]
Alvie: Don’t do it.
House: I’m not doing anything.
[They’re in the yard. House is sitting on a bench, flipping cards.]
Alvie: You’re thinking. Thins go from thinking to doing way too fast in this place. You keep thinking, you’re gonna wind up with no mo in your mojo.
House: I’m thinking of hitting you again.
Alvie: You hate Medina. You hate all of them. You want to hurt them. You got to keep pretending. Step away from the hate.
House: What’s the difference between pretending to cooperate and cooperating?
Alvie: Pretending is pretending. It’s not real. You don’t mean it.
House: I sat and watched while he did something stupid and pointless. I cooperated.
Alvie: In a few days, you won’t have to watch because you’re going home. You’ll be getting your job back.
Safer: Everybody inside. Closing ceremonies. Everyone attends. One of you is going home.
[Cut to the day room. A cake with “Happy Re-Birthday” and one candle on it is on the table.]
Beasley: It’s been a great week. Um, a number of you have made tremendous strides. But today we’re here to congratulate Susan. [Everyone applauds as Susan walks to the table.] We wish her well, and we hope
Everyone: to never see her again!
[More applause. Susan blows out the candle. House looks around.]
Beasley: Yeah, isn’t it pretty?
[House walks over to Medina.]
House: Where’s Freedom Master?
Medina: He isn’t able to take part.
[House heads back toward the rooms. Medina follows. House opens the door to Freedom Master’s room. He’s sitting, motionless, on his bed.]
House: Get out there. They said everybody has to get out there. Talk! Say something!
Medina: Dr. House, leave him alone.
House: Did you drug him?
Medina: Of course I didn’t drug him.
House: He has a flat affect. He’s practically catatonic.
Alvie: [in the doorway] Hey, we got cake.
Medina: He’s fine.
Alvie: Double chocolate. Yummy, yummy.
House: Don’t tell me that he’s fine! You did this. He was functioning. He was happy.
Medina: He was delusional.
House: Yeah. He’s way better off now.
Nolan: [entering] Dr. House. Let’s talk.
[House follows Nolan out the door.]
Alvie: Thinking sucks.
[Cut to Nolan’s office.]
House: I’m not allowed to get angry? They screwed him up. And for the record, I am two privilege levels above Susan. And I got the same depression-scale score.
Nolan: Every patient is different. It’s not about scores and levels and –
House: Happiness is happiness. The test is the test. Coping is coping.
Nolan: And you think you’re –
House: Absolutely! I need to address some deeper issues, which I can do on an outpatient basis. Three hours a week? And that’s just my opening offer. If you want to counter, I’ll likely fold.
Nolan: No.
House: “No” is not an argument. Are you trying to frustrate me?
Nolan: No.
House: “No” again? I can cope! I’m coping. In fact… [He reaches into his pants pocket.] I’m coping better than you think. I’ve not been taking my meds. [He holds out a handful of pills.] Not one. And yet, I still scored a “high functioning” on your depression test.
Nolan: So your proof of your well-being is that you lied?
House: Manipulated. My proof is that I can fool the test, I can fool you, which means I am high functioning. I am sane, rational, capable. I should not be here.
Nolan: These are your pills from today? [Nolan picks one up from where House dropped them on his desk.]
House: I’m not gonna take it. I’ll just cheek it again.
[Nolan leans forward with the pill in his palm.]
Nolan: Lick it.
House: You want me to lick your hand?
Nolan: I washed.
[House stares, silently, at him for several second.]
House: It’s sugar.
Nolan: Your test results were improving too regularly and too quickly. I was concerned that you weren’t taking your pills, that it was all an act, so I switched you to a placebo… [He eats the pill.] to see if your improvements would continue. [chuckles] Your psych tests told me nothing, but your urine tests told me you were faking. You need to stop fighting the system. You need to let me do my job.
[Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room. Alvie is in bed. House slams the door as he walks in.]
Alvie: So… what’s the next plan?
House: There is no new plan. I’m out of plans.
Alvie: So what do we do?
House: We stop talking. [He lifts his leg and lies down, facing he wall.]
[Cut to the next morning. An acoustic guitar plays as House paces near a window in the day room. He sees a convertible VW driving toward the hospital. There’s a cello in the back seat. Lydia’s driving. House smiles.]
[Cut to an elevator opening. Lydia gets off and turns. House is sitting on a bench behind her.]
House: I see you’ve got some cello in your trunk. [She turns to face him.] And, no, that’s not a euphemism. [He stands.]
Lydia: Are you spying on me?
House: I’m living in a psychiatric hospital. Staring out of the window is what we do. I assume you’ll need help carrying it up. I still got grounds privileges.
Lydia: And who’s going to carry you when you’re carrying the cello?
House: Yes, cast aside the useless cripple. How very German of you.
Lydia: Seriously, the thing weighs a ton with that case. I think I need a dolly.
House: Or we could ask Clark Kent to pitch in.
[Freedom Master is sitting, motionless by one of the windows.]
Lydia: The dolly’s probably easier.
House: Eh, the dolly… already feels good about itself. He was a happy-go-lucky superhero until they told him he has no powers. We let him help out, he feels good about himself. Might be less depressed.
[She sighs.]
[Cut to outside. House and Lydia are on the curb. Freedom Master is wrestling the cello out of the car.]
House: So why do you put your life on hold to visit your sister-in-law five times a week?
Lydia: Am I somehow a bad person for showing compassion?
House: No. You’re not even a bad person for lying about why you’re doing it. [loudly, to Freedom Master] Oh, that is impressive. That is a superhuman feat. [Freedom Master grunts as he puts the cello down next to the car.] Why don’t you take a rest before you fly that thing up to the ward? [He leans against the car, breathing hard.] He’s still depressed. Give me your car keys. [He holds out his hand.]
Lydia: You gonna dangle them in front of him to entertain him?
House: I’m gonna make him feel like he’s flying. I’ll just drive him around the grounds, top down, wind in his hair. [She laughs.] Seriously… you’re gonna say no to that? [pointing at Freedom Master]
[She sighs and hands him the keys.]
[Cut to House’s hand, turning on the ignition of the car. The car drives off. The cello is all alone at the bus stop.]
[Cut to the three of them in the car. House is driving. Lydia is riding shotgun. Freedom Master is in the back seat.]
House: Why are you so nice to me?
Lydia: I think you have a good heart.
House: Would you still be nice to me if I told you that I lied? I’m not just driving around the grounds in your convertible. I’m kidnapping him and stealing your car.
[Cut to the car pulling over to the curb, tires screeching.]
House: You sure? [She nods and opens the car door.] I was just starting to feel a little heat between us. Thought we had kind of a “Bonnie and Clyde” thing going there.
Lydia: Bonnie and Clyde get shot to pieces. [She closes the door.]
House: Hmm. See you.
[House and Freedom Master drive off. Lydia puts her bag on her shoulder and starts walking in the opposite direction, toward Mayfield.]
[Big Strides’ “I Do Not Fear Jazz” plays as House and Freedom Master drive down the road. House reaches over and picks up a pair of sunglasses from the seat divider and puts them on. Freedom Master sits up and takes an interest in the surroundings.]
House: You can do this. [Cut to House wearing an orange and yellow jump suit with an “XFly” logo and goggles. There’s a Ferris wheel in the background.] If you hold my hand, I can do it too.
[Freedom Master, who is dressed the same as House, shifts and grabs both House’s forearms. House nods and the operator of the ride throws a switch. There’s a whirring noise and Freedom Master’s hair blows upward. As the wind grows, they are both lifted into the air. Freedom Master laughs, delightedly. “Life” by Sly and the Family Stone plays.]
[They’re on a skydiving ride, floating high above the dinky, traveling carnival. They’re both laughing. They let go with one hand and House takes a firmer grip on Freedom Master’s left wrist.]
Freedom Master: Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo!
House: Don’t let go!
Freedom Master: Aaah! Going up! Whooooo!
[They are up very high and grinning widely. They have a bird’s eye view of the carnival. A clown laughs. Someone hits the bell on the Test Your Strength machine.]
[Cut to a parking garage. Freedom Master and House enter. House is carrying a large stuffed giraffe. He smiles and Freedom Master runs around, his arms wide in the classic airplane pose. In the background the Ferris wheel can be seen.]
Freedom Master: Whoo! Freedom Master’s back! [He runs past House. A family getting into their car looks nervous.]
House: Keep it down, Freedom Master.
Freedom Master: [off screen] Whoo!
House: You’re scaring the good citizens.
Freedom Master: [running up to House] That was the coolest moment of my life.
House: It was fun. [Freedom Master runs in a circle House.] You can repay me by telling Nolan he’s an idiot.
Freedom Master: Smell that fresh air and the warmth of your yellow sun.
House: We do enjoy it. [Freedom Master “wooshes” off.] Careful of the traffic. [He puts the giraffe in the car. Don’t go damaging any fenders. [He looks up.] Hey! [Freedom Master is climbing on the wall at the side of the garage.] Hey! Come on, get down. There’s no cry for help. There’s no cat in a tree.
Freedom Master: Thank you, Greg.
House: [yells] NO! [as Freedom Master “flies” off the side of the garage.]
[Cut to House holding Freedom Master’s bloody jacket. He’s in a waiting room at a hospital. He looks shocked and overwhelmed.]
Nolan: He’s lucky to be alive. He’s got a lacerated spleen, rotational pelvic fracture, compound break of the femur and humerus. Everything in your life has been about finding the truth. But suddenly, with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick man’s delusions. You just wanted to take a swing at me, hmm? You don’t care about getting out. You don’t care about him. You don’t even care about the truth. You don’t care about anything, House. I’m transferring you to Winslow Psychiatric. You’ll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes. [starts to walk away] I’m done.
House: [has been staring at him, looking terrified about what he did] Don’t. [Nolan stops and looks back.] I need help.
[Fade to black; on some services, this is where the episode is split in two.]
[Open on a sign that says “Floor 3.” There’s a framed photo of Mayfield and an old-fashioned picture of a hallway filled with doctors and nurses. Tapping can be heard. An office door with “Dr. Nolan Psychiatrist” on it is ajar. House is inside, slumped in a chair. He’s tapping on the chair arm and looking around. He sighs.]
House: So how’s this supposed to work?
Nolan: You sit. I sit. We talk.
House: About what?
Nolan: About whatever you want.
House: You want me to whine about my mother?
Nolan: Do you want to whine about your mother?
House: I can tell you about the time I was five and my goldfish died.
Nolan: If that’s where you’d like to start.
House: I’ve had a billion things happen to me in my life. How am I supposed to know which ones are relevant?
Nolan: As far as I’m concerned, they’re all relevant.
House: Well, we better get moving, ‘cause this session could take 50 years.
Nolan: Yes, you are the sum of everything that’s happened to you. And, yes, some events are more relevant than others. But, uh, the only way we can figure out which ones are is to talk. So tell me, what’s on your mind? [pause] What do you want?
House: I want to get better… Whatever the hell that means. I’m sick of being miserable.
Nolan: So you’d like to be happy?
House: Again with the reflecting – Yes, I’d like to be happy.
Nolan: Being happy is an excellent goal. Not many patients can crystallize exactly what they’re hoping to get out of this.
House: Well, bully for me.
Nolan: [rising] So now all we have to do is figure out how to get you from here to happy. [He goes to a sideboard and takes something out of a drawer.]
House: SSRIs? That’s your genius technique?
Nolan: I don’t think we should ignore any tools than can help. [hands them to House] I know you don’t have a problem taking drugs.
House: For my leg. For pain.
Nolan: Well, think of this as being for psychic pain.
[House looks like this is a new idea. He looks at the pills and back at Nolan who is pouring a glass of water.]
House: I don’t want to change who I am.
Nolan: Miserable? [He hands House the glass. House contemplates the pill.] Do you think that by taking meds you’ll lose your edge, stop making the unique connections that make you a successful doctor?
House: If Van Gogh was your patient, he’d be satisfied painting houses instead of The Starry Night.
Nolan: Van Gogh would still be making inspired paintings of the night sky, just maybe not from the room of his asylum.
House: You don’t know that.
Nolan: I know both his ears would be intact. And I know his life would be better. [House puts down the glass and stares at Nolan.] I know this doesn’t come naturally to you. But you want my help, which means you need to trust me.
[House takes the pill and some water.]
House: Hmmm… Delicious.
[Cut to Ward Six. Safer is organizing meds on a tray. There is a card with each patient’s picture, name and medication behind each pill cup. She hands Jay-Bird his pills, which he takes with water. House is next in line. Alvie comes up to him.]
Alvie: Why are you here?
House: I’m waiting for my communion wafer. [He takes the pills and the water, handing the empties back to Safer. Alvie follows him as he walks away from the office.]
Alvie: You’re cheeking it, right?
House: Nope.
Alvie: [grabbing House’s face and trying to look in his mouth] Tell me you’re cheeking it.
House: [pushing Alvie’s hands away] I swallowed it. [He starts to walk away. Alvie follows.]
Alvie: No, you didn’t. We don’t take meds.
House: You don’t take meds, Alvie. I decided to get sane.
Alvie: You’re scamming again. You can tell me.
House: I’m not scamming, Alvie.
Alvie: They broke you.
House: [turning to look at him] They didn’t break me. I am broken. Now stop worshipping me and go worry about your own loser life.
[He walks off, leaving Alvie alone in the hall.]
Alvie: I hate you.
[Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room. House is sitting on the bed, reading. Nolan enters. He knocks on the door and holds up a suit, white shirt and tie on a hanger.]
House: Prom?
Nolan: Got an assignment for you.
House: [taking off his glasses] Role-playing? I’m not sure how pretending to be a businessman with a foot fetish is gonna help, but I’m game.
Nolan: Have you connected with any of the other patients? You’ve been here four weeks. Tell me about your relationships with the other patients.
House: Diane… is convinced that Silent Girl hates her. Richter’s not as paranoid as you think. He just likes that you think that. And my roommate hates me.
Nolan: Only one of the things you said indicated how somebody else feels about you. So…
House: I’m sure that they’ve done some form of rudimentary analysis on me, concluded that I’m a jerk.
Nolan: You know, there is a way for them to find out things about you without deductive reasoning.
House: I have had relationships.
Nolan: You’ve screwed up relationships. Every one of them. Almost like that was the goal. I want you to trust… people. [House stares at him.] Try. [He puts the suit on the bed.] Get dressed. [He leaves.]
[Cut to a fund-raiser. A jazz combo is playing No Moon At All. The catering staff walk around with trays. Medina is there, chatting up a blonde who is way out of his league. House and Nolan stand by the doorway.]
House: Just open up?
Nolan: Just open up. Trust.
House: Strangers?
Nolan: We’ll start with strangers then work our way up. If it helps, I find “hello” to be an excellent icebreaker.
[The band plays Night Train. House, holding a drink, walks up to Garney who is at the buffet table.]
House: Hi.
Garney: [uncomfortable] Hi.
House: It’s like “hello” only shorter.
Garney: Yes. I’m glad we were able to save that time.
House: Judging by the fancy suit, I’d say you were a donor. The nervous demeanor says maybe you’ve had issues, probably why this place has personal meaning. [He puts a fistful of nuts in his mouth and starts talking again before he swallows them.] But this is supposed to be about me. [He swallows.] I take advantage of my friends. Friend, really, I’ve only got one.
Garney: It can be tough sometimes.
House: I’m not gay.
Garney: Oh, neither am I.
House: Actually, I am. See that guy over there? [He indicates Nolan, who has his head tilted back, eating the Maraschino cherry from his drink.] He’s my lover. He’s also my psychiatrist, which some would argue is a little inappropriate, but they just don’t know what love is. Am I right?
[Garney nods nervously and walks away. Lydia is there.]
Lydia: You’re not gay.
House: No, but I have to tell intimate secrets to people.
Lydia: Maybe they should be true.
House: Hadn’t thought of that. To be on the safe side, I should probably do both, starting with the fun ones. Come on, let’s get me better.
[The music changes to I Love Paris as House pulls out a chair and sits down next to a pretty woman at a table.]
House: Hi.
Woman: Hi.
House: [geekily plays with a straw] I’m a philanderer.
Woman: Oh.
House: Philanderer doesn’t mean that I give a lot to charity. It means –
Woman: I-I know what it means.
[House leans over and covers his eyes and forehead with his hand.]
House: Uh, you were asking me if there were any nuts in the hors d’oeuvres.
Woman: What?
House: [looking up] Honey! [He stands.]
Lydia: What did my husband just say to you?
[House gives the woman a pleading look.]
Woman: I… was asking him if there were nuts… in the hors d’oeuvres.
Lydia: Then where is your EpiPen.
Woman: My what?
Lydia: No one with an allergy would walk around without an EpiPen. Give me your purse.
Woman: No.
Lydia: [reaching for it] Give me your purse.
Woman: Stop!
Lydia: Come –
Woman: What really happened is… I thought he was cute. I hit on him.
Lydia: [to House] We’re going.
[She grabs him by the sleeve. The woman smiles slightly as they pass. As they walk through the room, Lydia leading him by the arm, House has a huge grin on his face.]
[Cut to House sitting outside, pulling the petals off a daisy.]
Nolan: Having fun?
House: I did connect with one guy. But my propensity for screwing things up overtook me. Then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity.
Nolan: You didn’t screw it up. The assignment wasn’t to get you to trust people with a piece of your soul. The assignment was to teach you that you can trust. Did any of these people rat you out as the obnoxious womanizer or the porn producer that they think you are? [House smiles.] Why do you think that people would treat you worse if they knew the truth?
[He looks over as Lydia arrives with two glasses of wine.]
Lydia: Good night, Doctor. [Nolan leaves. She hands a glass to House and sits down.] Are you in trouble?
House: [thinks about that] Apparently not.
Lydia: So what’s next? You want to be my pimp?
House: Why don’t we just talk?
Lydia: Okay.
House: How come you weren’t pissed at me for stealing your car?
Lydia: It was a nice thing to do.
House: Hmmm. I’m not sure about the German-English translation of “nice.” Stealing was nice or… ruining Freedom Master’s life?
Lydia: What you did was misguided and irresponsible, but it was also nice. You gave him a moment of pure happiness. [pause] You asked me why I come here so often to visit Annie. She was my best friend. Then she started pulling away… from everybody. The doctors don’t know why. I think I married her brother because he was the only other one who was going through the same thing. But he stopped visiting after a couple of years. I just… couldn’t stop. I miss her. [House nods. There’s a long pause.] I should go.
House: Good night.
[She leans over and kisses him softly.]
Lydia: Good night.
[She leaves. House sits there.]
[Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room. It is dark. House enters, taking off his tie. He hangs up his cane and takes off his jacket.]
Alvie: So what happened?
House: You’re talking to me now.
Alvie: No.
[House sits on the foot of the bed and toes off his shoes. He slides back and stretches out.]
Alvie: Was it fun?
House: [sounding a little surprised] Yeah.
[Cut to Nolan’s office, the next morning. House is leaning forward in his chair. His elbows are on his knees and his hands clasped in front of his mouth. He rubs his lip with his thumb, thoughtfully.]
House: She kissed me. Don’t read into the phrasing. We kissed each other.
Nolan: And how do you feel about that?
House: How do I feel about that? It was a kiss. Kisses are good things.
Nolan: Okay.
House: That was a loaded “okay.”
Nolan: Not at all. Why would you assume that?
House: ‘Cause you’re being judgmental. If I’d said that I’d had some delicious Chilean sea bass for dinner last night, would you say, “and how do you feel about that?”
Nolan: If the sea bass was married, I might.
House: [laughing slightly] See, you’re being judgmental. Isn’t that against your code or something?
Nolan: I’m simply stating the obvious. It’s complicated. Not just because she’s married and not just because you’re institutionalized. I know you spent the last 12 hours trying to figure out what that kiss means.
House: [sitting up then slouching back in the chair] Who’s that woman you were with in the parking lot?
Nolan: When you deflect, it’s more effective when you’re not that transparent.
House: Obviously you have no problem with the infidelity.
Nolan: You’re trying to rationalize that, “if it’s okay for your doctor, it’s okay.” But, just for the record, I am not having an affair.
House: Then who is she?
Nolan: Why do you think you’re working so hard to figure out the details of my personal life?
House: I might not have to work so hard if there were some personal items in here. You got one number on speed dial. It says “Dad.” Come on, how old are you?
Nolan: Why are you so afraid to talk about this?
House: I want to talk about you. I want to know who I’m taking advice from.
Nolan: I’m not giving you advice. I’m asking you questions. I think that kiss meant a lot. I think that scares you.
House: I think there are no personal items in here because you have no personal life.
Nolan: How do you think you and Lydia will end?
House: you are a lonely man. You’ve screwed up every opportunity you’ve had in life.
Nolan: What’s the ending to the story?
House: [sighs] I don’t know.
[Cut to the orderly unlocking the door to Ward Six.]
Orderly: Visiting time!
[Lydia is the second one through the door. She sees House sitting hunched over on the piano bench. Annie sits on her usual couch next to it. As she approaches, House slides over on the bench to make room for her. She sits.]
House: Why did you kiss me?
Lydia: [shrugs and chuckles] How many reasons are there? [He stares at her.] I like you. It felt like a nice way of showing you that.
[He stares at her for another moment then nods almost imperceptibly. He hands her his cane and swings around so he’s facing the keyboard. He starts playing Schumann’s Kinderszenen Op. 15, the piece she was playing when they first met. There’s the sound of a door opening.]
Safer: Open it all the way. Keep it open.
[House looks behind him. Freedom Master is being wheeled into the day room. House stops playing immediately. Freedom Master’s right leg is bare, his left is in a cast that goes from his toes to his hips. His right arm has a cast and a sling on it. There’s a robe over his shoulders. He’s paying no attention to anything around him as he is wheeled toward the patient rooms. House watches.]
[Cut to a corridor that’s empty except for House sitting on one of the benches. Nolan comes out of his office and gestures for House to come in.]
Nolan: How’d it go with Lydia?
House: I found out you can only be happy so long before the catatonic guy with two broken limbs rolls off the elevator. Philosophically speaking.
Nolan: Why do you value your failures more than your successes?
House: My mother caught me masturbating… to pictures of her mother.
Nolan: Can we get past these cut deflections?
House: Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever.
Nolan: So you accept that fact. You accept that there’s nothing you can do.
House: Okay, I accept the fact that there’s nothing I can do. Now, what can I do?
Nolan: You acknowledge failure, and you move past it. You apologize.
House: Wow. Powerful things, these apologies. Get someone to jump off a building and you say two words and you move on with your life. Hardly seems fair.
Nolan: Is that the issue? You caused him pain. If the world is just, you have to suffer equally? [House lets this sink in as Nolan laughs slightly.] You’re not God, House. You’re just another screwed-up human being who needs to move on. Apologize to him. Let yourself feel better. Then you can learn to let yourself… keep feeling better.
[Cut to House returning to the day room. He walks over to Freedom Master who is sitting in his wheelchair. In addition to both his casts, his face is still badly bruised.]
House: Hey.
[Freedom Master doesn’t move. A door opens. Beasley comes out.]
Beasley: Dr. House, everything okay?
House: Yeah.
Beasley: Time for group. [She starts to wheel Freedom Master over.] Group time everybody.
[Cut to everyone in their seats.]
Beasley: I have a surprise. Two weeks from today we’re going to have the Mayfield Talent Show. [Stomp starts hitting his hands against his head.]
Richter: Talent show? Who’s in it?
Beasley: I’d really love it if everybody here could participate.
Richter: Then who’s gonna watch?
Beasley: The staff will come. Friends and family.
Richter: You gonna tape this?
Beasley: No, it’s just for us.
Richter: Well, if it’s just for us, I vote we don’t do it.
Beasley: Think of it as a fun way to work on – on our therapeutic issues. Alvie, maybe you could sing one of your songs.
Alvie: I don’t sing. I rap.
Beasley: Okay, well you can write something just for us.
Alvie: I don’t write. I just do, freestyle style.
Beasley: I think you’re gonna want to be prepared. Make something special.
Alvie: Always special.
Beasley: How bout you, Diane? Is there something you’d like to do?
Diane: I don’t have any talents.
Beasley: Sure you do. You all do. Steve, don’t you think that Diane has hidden talent that we’d all like to see come out? [Steve doesn’t move.]
House: You really think he’s gonna answer?
Beasley: Eventually.
House: Why?
Beasley: Because things pass.
House: Things change. It doesn’t mean they get better. You gotta make things better, you can’t just keep talking and hope for the best. [House starts looking in the distance, puzzled.]
Beasley: Diane, maybe you and I can work together and figure something out.
House: [getting up] I can save him. “They stole her voice box.” That’s what he said. That’s what she was staring at. That’s why she’s staring. [He goes to the window of the office.]
Beasley: Dr. House, please.
House: [pointing, rattling the glass] ‘Cause there’s a music box in there.
Beasley: Orderly.
House: [rattling the doorknob] Come on, just give it to me. I can – [The orderly tries to grab his arm.] I am not having a psychotic break. [to Beasley] I promise you this will work.
[She nods and the orderly opens the office door.]
House: It’s the blue box there on the top shelf. [He puts his cane on a ledge and takes the box from the orderly. He heads for Freedom Master.] This is what you wanted. This is what you needed – a voice. [He kneels next to Freedom Master and tries to hand him the music box.] You thought you could cure Silent Girl with this so by your own rationale, it should cure you. [Freedom Master doesn’t move.] There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re healing. All the parts work. Speak! [Nothing. House grabs his face and shakes it slightly.] Come on, speak! Say something!
Nolan: [approaches] I think maybe everyone should take a break now.
[House lets go of Freedom Master’s face. All the other patients and Beasley leave.]
Nolan: You’re trying to fix instead of moving on.
[Nolan wheels Freedom Master away. House slowly stands and sinks into a chair.]
[Cut to the day room. House is sitting on a couch, staring blankly. Lydia comes over with some sheet music.]
Lydia: I brought Dvorak. Four hands. [He looks at her.] What?
House: I need to know what this is.
Lydia: It’s sheet music. [long pause] I told you. It’s just… two people having fun.
House: There’s two possible outcomes. It ends, someone gets hurt. Or it doesn’t end, someone gets hurt.
Lydia: So, the end sucks. It doesn’t mean the beginning has to. Everything ends. Life ends. It – it doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy it.
House: I can’t – I can’t do this. [He hands her back the sheet music.]
Lydia: All I know is, I was happy five minutes ago, and now I’m not. How’s that better?
House: [sighs] Good-bye, Lydia. [He gets up and leaves.]
[Cut to group.]
Diane: I’m really worried about ECT.
Beasley: Apprehension’s normal. Has anyone else had it.
Alvie: They shocked me, man. [He does an exaggerated convulsion.] Aaah.
Diane: Thanks. That’s very reassuring. I don’t know if I should do it.
House: [slouched and glowering in his chair] Oh, just do the treatment or shut up.
Beasley: Greg, there’s a process.
House: Yes, a process. Wouldn’t want to disrupt the process with results.
Alvie: Heezy had a rough night last night. Guess he decided to go back to being an ass instead of a hypocrite.
Beasley: Let’s move on. Alvie, are you making any progress writing your rap?
Alvie: Yeah. But really, no. I just don’t want to write my songs down. It takes all the spontaneity out of it. It’s not… of the moment.
Beasley: Alvie, if you write things down –
Alvie: When the time comes, my rhyme comes. When my spotlight shines… [He goes blank.]
House: Yeah. You’re a genius. Rhymes with “penius.”
Medina: [coming over] Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Beasley. [He has a paper in his hand and he crouches next to House.] Dr Nolan asked me to give you this.
House: [opening the paper] Is this a day pass?
Medina: He’d like to see you.
[Medina leaves. House refolds the pass, thoughtful.]
[Cut to Nolan, leaning over something. He sits up at the sound of a door opening. House enters the hospital room. He sees the monitors, the IV dripping and the patient wristband, which reads “Nolan, Darryl Sr.”]
Nolan: Thanks for coming. [House closes the door, quietly.] I was hoping you could, uh, take a look at my dad’s chart.
House: A consult? What happened – you went through every sane doctor in town?
Nolan: I thought you wouldn’t mind getting off the ward. [House picks up the clipboard and starts reading.] The cleaning lady found him on the kitchen floor. Doctors here don’t think that he’ll recover, that I should pull the plug. I want a second opinion so I – I thought I’d be a fool not to call you.
House: [looking at an x-ray] Lacunar infarct. Converted to hemorrhagic stroke. It squashed his brain. They didn’t miss anything.
Nolan: That’s what I thought. [He’s holding his father’s hand and crying silently.]
House: That’s what you knew. His brain has been replaced by blood. It’s over. [Nolan kisses his father’s hand.] And that’s obvious to any doctor who looked at that scan, even a shrink. You want someone to tell you that what you need to do is okay, to give you permission, absolution.
Nolan: Not now, House.
House: You have no friends, no family. At some point, you made a mistake. You lost everything. And now I’m the closest thing you got to a friend.
Nolan: [crying openly] Just shut up. I don’t need you here to play this game.
[They look at each other for a few moments then House takes off his jacket, pulls up a stool and sits down to wait with Nolan.]
[Cut to the day room. It’s dark and quiet. The door beeps as House passes a card over the electronic lock. He comes in and starts toward the patient rooms but stops when he sees Lydia sitting on the stage, crying. He goes over to her.]
House: I’m sorry I pushed you away. It’s what I do when I’m afraid. [She makes a scoffing sound.] Again, German-English translation may be a little off.
Lydia: [trying to get control of herself] I’m not – I’m not crying because of you. I’m crying because I’m pathetic. I brought her cello in case she magically wakes up for the show.
House: Oh, well, then I take the apology back. [She laughs.] We’re all pathetic. It’s what makes everything interesting.
Lydia: I’m sick of life being interesting.
[He steps closer and holds out his hand. She takes it and stands up. She puts her arms around his neck, stroking his back a little. After a moment, he hangs his cane on something and puts his arms around her. They slow dance in silence.]
[Cut to the door to the office opening. House enters, followed by Lydia. He leans in and they kiss. He shuts the office door and slides her jacket off. He takes his jacket off while they continue kissing. He sits on a chair. She straddles him. He pulls her shirt over her head and runs his fingers around the back of her bra as she unbuttons his shirt. She gasps quietly. Her skirt is hiked up around her hips and his jeans have moved lower on his hips. He runs his hand down her thigh. They both breath heavily, but almost silently as they continue to kiss and clutch at each other. As the finish, House pulls her close. His eyes are red and he is crying. He closes his eyes tightly.]
[Cut to the talent show. Los Del Rio’s Macarena River Mix plays. Diane and Beasley are wearing red tops and leggings with flouncy black skirts. Each has a big red rose in her hair that matches the one at her hips. They shake their hands back and forth, look at each other and smile. Arms up, arms down, turn around. Each points one finger at the audience and shakes it in a “no” gesture. As the singer starts, they reach up and to the left side, then to the right. The fold their arms and unfold them, reaching behind and grabbing their own butts, one cheek at a time. It ends with their turning around, pulling up their skirts and shaking their butts at the audience. Beasley hugs Diane.]
[Next Jay-Bird, Richter and Hal stand in a stiff row. They’re dressed in tails and cardboard party top hats. They sing “You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You”]
Trio: You’re nobody till somebody loves you. [Hal and then Jay-Bird put their hands to their hearts near the word “loves.” Richter doesn’t. He’s looking around.] You’re nobody till somebody cares.
[Lydia is sitting with Annie in the audience. There are about 20 people watching. Most of the performers are there when they’re not on stage. House is standing in the back, leaning against a wall. His cane is tucked under his arm.]
[The next act starts with a rhythmic tapping of a foot. It’s Stomp. He begins to slap out a counter-beat with his right hand against his left arm, then on his right leg. Using both hands on his legs and chest he picks up the pace, as he becomes a human beat box. He finishes to cheers and applause.]
Beasley: [at the mic] Ladies and gentlemen. The one, the only, Juan Alvarez!
[Alvie runs from the back of the “theater” to the stage. Richter is there as the DJ.]
Alvie: Yo, yo, what’s up? [grabs the mic from the stand] Ward Six is jumping off, y’all! Give it up for DJ Richter on the ones and twos. Yo, DJ Richter, spin that.
[Richter smiles and starts the hip-hop beat playing.]
Alvie: Uh. Yah! Welcome to Mayfield where the day feels long. We act strong, but there’s got to be something wrong. See, we got hidden talents. You don’t see hidden secrets If we could show you those Uh wah whu whu [He imitates a record scratching as he gets stuck for a next line.] If we could show you those. [He stops and rubs his head as he tries to think of a next line. The audience is smiling, anticipating.]
House: [still leaning against the wall by the door, bails him out] Then we wouldn’t have no regrets.
[Lydia turns and smiles at him.]
Alvie: Wanna know my secrets? Sit back and let me explain it. My Pops split, Mama got sick Cliché, ain’t it. Now I’m a manic Hispanic I’m trying to make it work But the doctors think I’m lazy
[He’s stuck again. He looks toward House.]
House: And my roommate is a jerk.
Alvie: Dr. House is in the house, y'all. Give it up for Dr. House to the stage, y'all. Paging Dr. House to the stage, y'all. [House waves him off. The audience is clapping.] Are you there, Dr. House it's on. Bring it on. [House stands up straight and starts toward the stage.] On. Oh, yo, he's coming to the stage, y'all.[Lydia smiles as House passes her.] Unh, unh, it's Dr. House on the remix Dr. House on the remix Yup, yup, yup, yup yup. [House tosses his cane offstage.] They say to take your pills They say don't be a creep But how can I get better
House: If I can't get no sleep?
Alvie: You got think before you act In order to progress
House: [getting into the rhythm] If you don't make connections Then your whole life is a mess
Alvie: [laughing] Yeah, so tell me, doctor, what I really got to know How do I get better?
House: [shrugs] Just do a talent show. [Everyone, including Lydia, laughs.]
Alvie: Oh, well, I guess I'm just a mess, yes Preach it to me, brother A life of restlessness
House: [enjoying himself] But at least we have each other
[House provides the hand gestures as Alvie winds up the rap]
Alvie: Oh, we got each other, oh, we got each other Like two brothers from another mother Duck and run for cover, Ward Six
[House nods a little shyly, acknowledging the applause. Then he puts his arm around Alvie’s shoulder and they take a bow.]
[Cut to Nolan’s office.]
House: How are you doing? You hanging in there?
Nolan: Usually I open with that. [pause] Thanks for staying. [He nods. House nods back.] So, um… What do you want to talk about?
House: Things are actually… Actually good. [He sounds a little surprised.]
Nolan: Okay, you're not – you're not just saying that because you don't want to complain in front of the guy who just lost his father?
House: I'm not that cured. No, I still got stuff to do, but… I'm good.
[Cut to the day room. Freedom Master is sitting there, motionless. House stops in front of him.]
House: I'm sorry. [He looks around and pulls up a chair.] I was trying to prove a point. I was trying to be right. I ended up putting you in a dangerous situation, and I was not equipped to handle it. You got hurt, and it's my fault. And I'm sorry.
[Freedom Master still doesn’t move but Nolan, who has been watching from the office, nods at House.]
Safer: [announces] Med time.
House: [standing and steering Freedom Master’s chair] I'm gonna try those pink ones today. You?
[Freedom Master has the music box in his lap. They pass Annie. House stops and then rolls the wheelchair back. Freedom Master slowly lifts the music box with both hands and gives it to Annie. She takes it. Nolan, in the office, and House both watch, amazed. Annie opens the lid and a bit of Mozart’s The Magic Flute plays. Nolan and Safer come to the office door, staring. As the tune ends, Annie closes the box and turns to Freedom Master.]
Annie: Thank you.
Freedom Master: [whispers] You're welcome.
[Cut to the foyer outside the day room. House is waiting there as the elevator door opens.]
House: Got a surprise.
[He leads Lydia into the day room. Annie is playing Bach’s Cello Suite #1 Prelude in G Major fluently as everyone sits and listens. She ends to light applause. Lydia has gone from smiling to tears during the piece.]
[Cut to the day room. There’s a “Happy Re-birthday” cake on the table.]
Beasley: Today we're here to congratulate… Annie! We're proud of her! We wish her well, and we hope to…
Everyone: Never see her again!
[House is the only one who doesn’t look happy.]
[Cut to Nolan’s office. House walks in without knocking.]
House: If you go silent for over a decade, you don't just get to slide right back into society.
Nolan: She's going to a rehab facility first… In Arizona. Her family's moving there. Sorry, House. I just found out myself.
House: I want an overnight pass.
Nolan: I can help you with this.
House: I've earned it.
Nolan: You have, but –
House: Isn't extending trust part of the whole "getting me better" thing?
Nolan: If you insist on a pass, I'll give it to you. But I know where you're going, and I know you haven't thought it through. We need to sit down, talk about this.
House: Please give me the pass.
[A cab pulls up to a suburban house. It’s night. House gets out. He rings the doorbell and waits. A young boy opens the door.]
House: Hi.
Ben: Hello. Who are you?
House: I'm –
Lydia: [coming to the door] Ben, go inside, okay? [She comes out to the porch and pulls the door almost shut behind her.]
House: You didn't say anything. And now Annie's leaving, and I hear you're going to Arizona.
Lydia: My husband travels to Phoenix a lot. His corporate headquarters are there. We've been wanting to move for years, but we've been tethered here. And now we're not.
House: I don't want you to go.
Lydia: I don't want to go. But I can't break up my family. I-I can't leave my children.
House: I just don't want it to change.
Lydia: [stroking his face] I'm sorry that I didn't come to say good bye. I thought it ended kind of perfect. [She’s on the verge of tears.] I have to go.
[She goes inside and closes the door, leaving House alone on the porch. He bows his head.]
[Cut to the Mayfield parking lot. Nolan is leaving. He pulls out his car keys and sees House sitting on a railing near his car.]
Nolan: Not the most exciting use of the overnight pass I've ever seen.
House: She left.
Nolan: And...
House: I'm lost.
Nolan: [sits next to House] I'm gonna write your letter… To the medical board, recommending that they give your license back.
House: You can't just console me by giving me a lollipop when I skin my knee.
Nolan: Well, two things just happened. You got hurt, which means you connected to someone else strongly enough to miss them. And more important… You recognized the pain and came to talk to me, instead of hiding from it in the Vicodin bottle. The fact that you're hurting and you came here, the fact that you're taking your meds and we're talking right now… Come inside and get some sleep. Tomorrow you can start saying your good-byes.
[House thinks about this and nods.]
[Cut to the day room. There’s a “Happy Re-birthday” cake on the table.]
Nolan: Today we're here to congratulate Greg. [Everyone claps. House smiles with his head ducked down.] We're proud of him. We wish him well, and we hope…
Everyone: [with House silently mouthing the words] To never see him again!
Alvie: House!
[House takes the candle out of the cake and blows it out. He smiles. Everyone cheers and applauds. Beasley holds her arms open. She and House hug. Alvie, still clapping, comes over.]
House: Back off. People already think we're gay.
[There light laughter followed by an “aw” as House relents and pulls Alvie in for a big hug. He’s smiling. He lets Alvie go and stands, facing the table for a moment then plants his face in the cake. Everyone laughs as he stand up, his face completely covered in frosting. Everyone laughs. He bows slightly.]
[Cut to House leaving Mayfield. He has his suitcase in one hand and his can in the other. He starts walking. The Frames’ Seven Day Mile plays.]
[Cut to Alvie looking out the window as House approaches the bus stop directly across from where Wilson dropped him off a few months earlier. Alvie looks for a while then turns and goes to the office. Beasley slides open the window to talk to him.]
Beasley: What do you need, Alvie?
Alvie: My meds. I want to get better.
[Cut to House standing at the bus stop. A bus arrives and House gets on. As House walks back to a seat the ad on the side of the bus can be seen. It says “Prepare to Succeed!” House sits on the back seat and the bus pulls away. House sits straight with his head high as the bus pulls further and further from Mayfield.]
[End.]